Ya gotta get yerself some religion, y'hear?

I can't believe it's 2009 already. I am back from Kentucky: land of the blue grass, beautiful horses and fast women (or is the other way around? Hmmm). And, yes, it is also the huge, shiny buckle of the bible belt. I had forgotten how very huge and shiny it is until I spent 18 days there after a very long time.

Lexington is the home of the mega churches. So there is the giant Baptist church (with services in Korean as well) with its swimming pool and skating rink, across from the huge Lutheran church, which sits diagonally across from the Church of the Christian Scientists. I saw a church that was in an old barn and a tabernacle inside an old Long John Silver's restaurant.

But Lexingtonians refuse to just worship inside their gargantuan churches. Why should you, when you have all the great outdoors? The highways are alive with billboards of fetuses begging to be born, of God Himself requesting (ordering?) your presence in church, the ubiquitious fish on the back of cars, enough to form many, many schools. But I never saw a car quite like this before.



I just got the back view. The side windows proclaimed that "His blood washes white as snow." No quips about anemia please.

I love Lexington. I really do. It's beautiful and gracious, and after Allahabad, it is my one home-town in the world. I lived there for more than seven years after all. So even these loud displays of religious fervor are somehow enchanting. Of course, I didn't used to be so enchanted when the local Jehovah's Witnesses would pay me weekly visits to save my (then so rare in the South)brown soul. It's like Watchtower had printed a picture of me with a Wanted for Christ caption. It must be time and distance that has given me this new affectionate perspective.

The one thing I wanted to do while I was there was to play some putt-putt golf...or rather, to play me some putt-putt golf while chugging some sodie-pop :-). And if mini-golf is your game, how better to play it than to get some religion into it as well? I was totally bummed out that I couldn't putt through Noah's ark, Mount Sinai, Golgotha, or Jesus' empty tomb (He Is Not Here for He is Risen) or turn the rivers into blood (apparently just soaked red cloth or carpeting or something). If you've always had a hankerin' for some puttin', golf your way through the 54 holes of this course. Divided into the two testaments (18 holes each) and 18 based on bibilical miracles, mini-golf enthusiasts love this place. The seven days of creation have a section---with the seventh hole being the easiest since God rested that day. Cool, huh?





Yes, dear readers, I was rained out. Maybe it was the Almighty smiting me for my heathen, atheist ways. But there are always pictures and always a next time for the Bibilical-themed mini-golf course in Lexington. Watch out Lord here I come! Hallelujah!

WTF is this Shit?

Internal dialog

Oh no you're not writing about that freedom of speech crap are you? Say you're not please. It's so done. It's so...I don't know so very 2007. Give it up. I am soo tired of your shit.

But it's the perfect storm, don't you see? Here is the Delhi intelligentsia demanding citizenship for Taslima Nasrin. There are those damned Danish cartoons again, complete with a foiled assasination plot against the cartoonist. I can't resist. I just can't.


And the shit, what about that? Gotcha huh?

Well, it's early in the year, prime nostalgia time, and I started started thinking about the pre-Web Internet (you gasp? It's true. I was there) and the shit and religion list that was so popular, making the rounds of discussion boards. So, here you are an oldie but a goodie, the Shit List of Religions.

I give up. *sighs*

Good. I hoped you would. *smiles(

A Religion and Shit Ideology
Note: okay, some of them are not about religion but they are still funny.

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say shit happen.

Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

Zen Buddhism Redux: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Creationism: God made all shit.

Darwinism: This shit was once food.

Catholisicm: If shit happens you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Unitarianism: Come, let us reason together about this shit.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen, Shit IS.

Mormonism: God sent this shit.

Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

Seventh Day Adventist: No shit shall happen on Sunday.

Agnostic: What is this shit?

Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

Atheism: What shit?

Atheism redux: I can't believe this shit.

Impressionsim: From a distance shit looks like a garden.

Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.


And since this is my page, you know you were waiting for this three-pronged nyah nyah to my ummah. Hey, I can say it since I am Muslim :-) Peace! Here is the grand finale:

Islam: If shit happens it's the will of Allah.

Islam redux: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

Islam.3: I'll kick the shit out of you.

VIVA FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!

Muslim Dissent

I've removed myself from these Muslim/freedom of expression/Islam debates because they all seem to devolve into the same melee of contradictions. I am an Indian of Muslim descent. To me Muslim and Indian are both socio-cultural identities, not a religious one, because I really do not follow Islam.

The "Indian" tag is very important because it identifes that identity as something distinct from what is perceived as muslimness in the world, something that always seems to come back to Arabic roots. To me culture-- dynamic, changing, evolving culture is more vibrant, exciting and most importantly, open to change than religion, which seems to be stuck in place.

Coming out this way--which is a negation of Quranic teachings, and therefore Islam, always has consequence. For me, I know an announcement like this generates reactions from two camps. One, is the anti-Muslim, right-wing group that lauds my emergence as some kind of victory for their own fundamentalism. The other is the Muslim crowd that gets divided into further sub-groups: (a) Those convinced that this is some kind of publicity ploy, because apostate Muslim writers are tools of Western media to get recognition and/or riches. (b) Those who send threatening messages that refer to the only suitable punishment for an apostate. (c) Those who say other religions also have x,y, problems (fair enough) without really bothering to answer concerns/questions/issues raised about this particular issue.

My theory is this. Other religions for all their faults (and I follow none of them btw) have, or now have a tradition of criticism from within their own ranks. Religious debate in Islam, however, is only valid when using the Quran, hadith, or shariah. So essentially the debates are centered around different interpretations of the same text. Part of the debate needs to include voices that consider the whole thing crap. Questioning God, the revelation of the Quran itself, and questioning the legitimacy of the prophets is needed for this debate. Which is why there is constant debate about whether there is compulsion in religion because there are a dozen contradictory verses, as there are about the dress code for women, and other hot-button current issues, which do not go near any of the real issues at stake. When the same source material is used for a debate, coming to any common conclusion is impossible because each individual adheres to the reason(s) that make sense to that person.

For true religious reform to happen, the debate needs to take into account other things. The outside world, cultures, philosophies, religions, etc. all need to be party to this debate. Otherwise, it's like trying to air out a room with all its windows and shades closed, and the door slammed shut. At the very least it becomes a false debate with no room for dissent, because you start with the premise that there are certain immutable and unquestionable facts. To me, a constrained debate is no debate. It's just a bunch of people tap dancing around a group of elephants that none of them want to acknowledge.

This is the reason I believe, that most non-Muslims feel frustrated and most Muslims cannot understand that frustration. Their paradigms are different. What does debate really mean to all of us? And what is dissension? Is it merely disagreeing about the interpretation of something or is it actually just a starting point?

I am a purist. Religion to me is not a smorgasbord, where you pick and choose. If religion is divine, something that is supposed to lead to your salvation it either is something or it is not. I, personally, cannot cherrypick some version of Islam or any religion and then claim that *that* is the true way to practice it. Fundamentalists of all religions do that, but so do moderates and liberals. The only difference is what verses and parts are picked to justify the points of view.

When the Quran and all five major schools of Islamic jurisprudence agree that the punishment for apostasy is execution (well, definitely for men. Female apostates may be executed or imprisoned for life), the reason for this lack of open debate becomes clear. Debate will only be tolerated within the constraints already described.

Apostasy in Islam includes denying Allah and rejecting the prophet's claim of prophet-hood, which brings us back to the point that true, open, questioning debate cannot happen. Here are the other acts that constitue apostasy:

1. A public declaration that denies Islam, and its beliefs

2. Denying the existence of God, or of accepting the Chritian belief of the Trinity

3. Saying the world has always existed. In other words, denying the role of the Creator

4. Belief in reincarnation

5. Denying the resurrection

6. Declaring that someone can become a prophet through spiritual exercise (i.e., there can be no other prophet)

7. Cursing Muhammad, the prophet.

8. Questioning the perfection of Muhammad's knowledge, beliefs, actions, and or character.

9. Any clearly blasphemous act (burning the Quran, and or books of the hadith)

10. Contradicting positions held by Muslim scholars (e.g., saying prayers or fasting are not obligatory, or that adultery is not punishable by death)

With such strictures in place it is no surprise that true debate in Muslim society would fall dangerously close to apostasy. There are concepts of apostasy in other religions to be sure but no other religious leaders (note: George Bush is not a religious leader, no matter how Christian he is. He is a political figure) exhorts the death of apostates and critics. And the difference I believe is that no other religion has such a clear consequence for apostasy.

The fear of death can do great things.

The Glory of His Smile: A *Very* Short Story

He feels the closeness as he never had before. The breeze coming in from the barely-open window of the car touches him like a balm. His hand on his shoulder guides him, carrying him past all obstacles. He is blessed.

Was the a glimpse of paradise, verdant and cool as he speeds past an empty, deserted lot? He sees himself as he was, weak. And now he is made powerful. Made righteous and whole. His cotton shirt has already soaked up the tears of his mother and sisters as they said farewell to him just fifteen minutes ago. He feels the loss of the moisture on his skin and he wavers.

He closes his eyes just for an instant. The car swerves slightly and he rights it carefully, his eyes fully open. He stops at the designated place and waits for the designated time. The hands of his watch speed up and then slow down in a strange cabaret. He prays. The hands steady and he counts down.

"I am ready," he says out loud and feels the glory of the divine smile beside him. Around him.

The car hovers in an instant of waiting silence before it explodes.

In Praise and Defence of Blasphemy

I admit it. I love blasphemy. There! I said it. There is something within me that attracts me to it. The more blasphemous an idea, the more it challenges any establishment, especially religious ones, the more I like it.
I’m talking ideas that challenge Jesus’ divinity; Mohammad’s prophet-hood and talk freely of Shiva’s drug addiction. Bring it on! Blasphemy, to me, is what makes the world progress. Thoughts that are drastically different from what others believe and feel, aah, they are the ones that truly force humanity forward.
Where would we be without the famous blasphemers Galileo and Copernicus. Even most religious figures—that can potentially be so hurt by it—were blasphemers in their day. Jesus and Moses were a threat to the established religion of the day as was Mohammad. Why, then are ideas, thoughts and their provocative expression so taboo? Hinduism had few taboos practiced as it once was. What happened?
Why do we need to protect God and divinity from people who say things about Her? Surely (if you believe in it) the being who created the universe and us needs no protection from mere ideas? How supremely arrogant is that? Can mortals truly protect God from the expressed ideas of other mortals. Does Lord Ganesha really care that his image showed up on toilet seat covers? He looks like a cool guy. Maybe he took it as a compliment. But we’ll never know, will we? Hindus in the US protested against the purveyor of such sacrilegious merchandise, making them pull the seat covers from the market.
This was, of course, nothing compared to the furor over what was not one of Rushdie’s best work (to me his worst is better than most writers’ best but I digress) The Satanic Verses. It was a book for God’s sake. Don’t buy it, don’t read it, if offends you. Protest even. But burning books and a death threat?
I know that people of the Diaspora sometimes take blasphemy more seriously than do our counterparts back in our countries of origin. If there is one thing that should (but often does not) open up someone’s mind to new ideas, it should be traveling and living in other countries. Observing and living among people and environments that are totally different from your own should be a liberating experience.
Instead it sometimes creates fear, making them hold on harder to the past, grasping at the tangible aspects of their original culture and in the process making of it a poor facsimile. And since religion is such a crucial part of some lives any blasphemy against their faith becomes intolerable.
It was a personal journey of my own to arrive at a place where blasphemy has become such a cherished idea. Blasphemy to me is the domain of a different mind, of a brave person (or a foolish one) but someone who definitely swims against the tide. And that right, in an increasingly polarized and intolerant world, is precious to me.
I am tired of the “it hurts my religious sentiments” brigade. What the heck is a “religious sentiment?” If it is so fragile as to be hurt by someone saying or writing something, perhaps you should examine your religion and your sentiment. Perhaps indulge in some blasphemy yourself and feel the exhilaration of it.
Besides what about my sentiments then? Are they any less valid because there is no religion attached to it? My sentiments can be potentially hurt by the display of religion out there, by every church, mosque or temple I pass and by everyone who says “god bless you,” when I sneeze. But to me (and others like me) these are the realities of life and living. This variety of religious stuff out there is what makes the experience of living so rich. And one such experience is blasphemy. It’s a part of the world and life and has been since the very beginning when the first cave-woman looked at others prostrating themselves in front of a giant cactus and saying, “you do that’s just one giant, prickly plant, don’t you? I bet we can split it open, cook it up and make ourselves some soup.” I wonder how they dealt with her.
Remember the old saying, ‘sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words shall never hurt me’? Letting blasphemy, no matter how heinous or offensive, flourish, even under protest, can only take us forward.Of course, this doesn’t endear me to most people whether they are Diasporic or not. But my fellow Diaspora dwellers, we above all, should embrace blasphemy or protest such ideas with other ideas. We are the ones who decided to look beyond a certain wall to take a peek at the other side. We traveled beyond the seven seas just to see what lay there. In another time that act itself would have been blasphemy, causing some of us to lose our caste. Blasphemy is our tradition. Our birthright. Let us embrace it.

Jesus in a Glass Box

The sign out on the sidewalk said $10 for a tarot reading. I think it was like a thousand degrees in Inman Square, the heat trapped in by the concrete and asphalt, shimmering in waves. I wanted to be inside after having walked a mile already (or maybe it was just 10 steps. Whatever!), so I was like what the heck. 10 bucks for some psychic reading and some cool air, maybe even some AC . A bargain, right?

One little arrow pointed in the general direction of left. We opened a little gate, and walked down a narrow path, hemmed in by a mesh fence.

The porch of this little house we came to reminded me of Freakshow's house in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Let me explain.

The little porch, to the right of the front door was a shrine. Unlit (well, it was day time) fairy lights in green, red and blue festooned the place. Plastic flowers, massed in equally plastic vases, hanging from the little tin roof, all around. A menagerie of animals...resin? wood? plaster?...strategically placed among all this artifical abundance. I saw a few bunnies, a couple of lambs and something that could have been an anteater or a squirrel. And in an upright glass box which reminded me of Snow White's coffin, stood Jesus, smilling beatifically and peering out from behind a giant mass of what seemed to be dusty chrystanthemums. There was even a little key and lock on Jesus's abode. To keep him in?

Mesmerized, my eyes travled past Jesus to a little window out of which peered a lady with an impressive moustache and a very flowery mumu type housedress. We asked (hoping that she was not; wondering why we had not turned back earlier) if she was the psychic.

"No, no psychic here," shouted the hairiest man, with the roundest stomach, I've ever seen. When had he materialized at the now open front door? Obviously he had been in a hurry or he would have put on his shirt. Unless he considered his body hair to be enough of a covering. Like mother like son. Phew!

We ran, with relief, towards the gate, knowing that they were watching us go. So was Jesus.

Yes, we did find the psychic. More on that tomorrow.

Happy Belated 58th Birthday India!!!